


Why You Shouldn't Key Your Reprobate Son's Friends Into the Wards

by TeachUsSomethingPlease



Series: A Hat Dumps the Universe on Its Head [5]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Based on a Tumblr Post, Dark, Dark Crack, Gen, Horror, Murder, Walburga Black's A+ Parenting, black humour, dark marauders
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-07
Updated: 2020-09-07
Packaged: 2021-03-07 01:41:33
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 913
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26338936
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TeachUsSomethingPlease/pseuds/TeachUsSomethingPlease
Summary: 16-year-old Sirius is bored. Grimmauld Place is empty, and running away is no fun if there's nobody there (not to mention, it's cowardly). He calls Remus. "Come over." The rest is incorrect quote history.Warning: Not for anyone who doesn't like black/dark humour.
Relationships: James Potter & Sirius Black & Lily Evans Potter, Orion Black & Regulus Black & Sirius Black & Walburga Black, Sirius Black & Kreacher, Sirius Black & Remus Lupin & Peter Pettigrew & James Potter
Series: A Hat Dumps the Universe on Its Head [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1904803
Kudos: 40





	Why You Shouldn't Key Your Reprobate Son's Friends Into the Wards

**Author's Note:**

> I do not own Harry Potter.

Sirius was bored. Completely and utterly bored. There was nothing to do, nobody to talk to, not even a heinous pure-blood supremacist rite to undergo. Nothing.

Regulus was staying with a bunch of other Death-Eater wannabes, having flooed away a week ago. Now that Sirius had nothing to do, he noticed the wood-axe was missing, too, from its place above the fireplace. Horrible child. In terms of other relations somewhat around his age, cousins were all grown up and absent to tease/pester/send to St Mungo's – well, he didn't feel safe teasing Bella, Cissy was a bore nowadays, and Andy was busy caring for little Nymmie, which didn't leave a lot of room for lewd jokes. His parents were nowhere to be found – apparently, he wasn't as good company as his brother. Heresy. At this point, Sirius wouldn't have minded getting into a cursing match with his old man and woman, just to pass the time, but no such luck; in fact, Sirius couldn't remember even noticing them getting up this morning. Even Kreacher, the nasty, vicious bugger, was nowhere to be seen. For Merlin's sake, Sirius had even done all his homework, an action that made him feel like such a nerd it almost _hurt_.

Sure, Sirius liked the fact his family wasn't there to bother him. But he didn't like being alone. The house felt like it was frozen in time, what with the slight specks of dust on the mantelpiece, the fresh, unrepaired chip on the table (and he would be in for it over that, not that he remembered doing it), and the heavy silence.

Sirius was completely and utterly without anything to do, and it was getting to him.

Getting up from the dining room table where he had been staring into space for the last hour and a half, he grabbed his biker jacket (because he couldn't risk not offending someone, even if it was just for a quick trip out), and stepped out the door onto the street. The breeze was a nice change from the insides of Grimmauld Place, even if it was pretty hot out – for Britain, at least. After spending the last fortnight stuck inside either sulking in his room or warring with his family, he had forgotten, almost, how good it was to be outside in the open.

For a pureblood household, the Blacks sure lived in the middle of a fairly Muggle-y street, even if it was a little grimy, and it didn't take long for him to find what he was looking for – a telephone booth. Evans had explained telephones to him last summer, getting sidetracked from rejecting dear old Prongs to tell Sirius _no, it's not a smelly loan, it's a telephone, Black, you use it to make calls._ Sirius didn't know why nobody else had explained this – Moony and Wormtail were both half-bloods for goodness sake – but that didn't really matter now.

Stepping inside, Sirius dialled the Lupin household, knowing Remus had a system for quickly summoning Marauders, geeky, logical bookworm he was. It wasn't long before there was a click on the other end of the line and he heard the familiar voice come out of the earpiece (good, he wasn't holding it upside down like last time, that had been embarrassing). "Good morning, Lupin household."

"Moony!" Sirius grinned. "What's up?"

"Hmm? Oh, not much," the voice replied, surprisingly easily, considering it was only 2 days after full moon.

"Can you call Prongs and Wormy? I thought you guys could come over," Sirius suggested. "Y'know, since you're all keyed into the wards still." Indeed, Walburga had let Sirius have his friends over in second year. She had also attempted to poison them, but it was the thought that counted. Really.

"I… can't." Remus sounded hesitant.

"Why not?" Sirius asked petulantly. "It doesn't have to be overnight. I'm thinking of running away, anyway, we could have a party and trash the place…"

"I'm hiding bodies," came the dry reply.

Sirius laughed – only Remus would say something like that so blandly. "Aww, c'mon, Moony. Even if it's just you. My parents aren't home, you know, so they aren't a problem…"

"I know," Moony said simply.

Sirius frowned - sure, he was making a phone call, but that wasn't really enough to tell Remus his parents were out. "Huh?"

"Well –"

The werewolf's reply was cut off by a faint voice, Peter's, calling out from what must have been a room away. "Hey, Moony, they, uh, they don't exactly fit too well in the bins…"

Sirius nearly dropped the phone.

"JUST TAKE THE LEGS OFF, FOR MERLIN'S SAKE!" he heard Remus yell, phone obviously held away from him, before he returned to the original conversation. "Like I said, Sirius, we're kind of busy right now. How does an hour's time work for you?"

"Great," Sirius squeaked, mind in a state of catatonia.

"Wonderful," Remus said calmly.

"Hey, Moony, how are we meant to do this?" James's faint voice was just audible through the earpiece, morbidly curious. "I mean, all you have here are butter knives. And those Encylopaedias. And the dagger, but you broke that on the table."

Sirius heard an amused sigh. "That's why we nicked the wood axe from above the Floo, idiots."

Sirius decided to hang up before Emm-Eye-Five (or was it Six?) decided to pay him a visit. After all, Evans reckoned they had phone taps. Sirius didn't know what phone taps were, but they sounded worrying.

**Author's Note:**

> The original quote went like:  
> Sirius: Come over, babe.  
> Remus: I can't. I'm hiding a body.  
> Sirius: But my mother isn't home.  
> Remus: I know.
> 
> In case you're wondering, Moony, Wormtail, and Prongs snuck into Grimmauld Place, kidnapped the Blacks (and Kreacher) and proceeded to remove them from existence (by hand, because the Trace). This was ostensibly because Prongs figured Padfoot was thinking of bolting, Wormtail thought this was a terrible idea because he'd be disowned, and Moony figured, hey, line of succession, can't disown him if you're already six feet under.  
> Or, you know, haphazardly dumped in a trash can.  
> I told you it was dark.  
> (The next year, Regulus was mysteriously disowned for joining the Death Eaters, the Obliviators had to be called to clean up the mess of trying to calm the hysterical muggles, because elf heads in the bins, Andromeda spontaneously gained a lot more political backing, and Lily finally stopped asking difficult questions. Love does strange things.)


End file.
